19 Grey
by MagpieSong
Summary: #19 on my 100 themes challenge! Set immediately after Virmire, where Evangeline Shepard leaves someone she cared about behind to die.


"You made the right decision."

Kaidan's words were still ringing in Evangeline's ears as she mounted the Normandy's ramp, clutching her aching right side and limping slightly. Liara had rushed forwards, determined to offer assistance, but seemed unsure how to help and so turned her focus to Ash, who was shuffling along beside Wrex, nursing a bullet wound to her left shoulder.

She faltered in the entry of the cargo hangar as the ramp sealed behind them and felt the familiar surge of engines as they began to ascend from the surface of Virmire. Certain they were out of range, she activated her radio link anyway.

"I'll never forget you", she whispered, barely keeping her voice steady.

The radio crackled and buzzed and through the static she swore she heard him speak. "Thankyou, Eva."

She froze. Her knees threatened to buckle, legs trembling uncontrollably and she suddenly realised she was holding her breath. She let it out with a painful whoosh and forced herself to take a step forwards, then another and another, until she was all but running to the elevator.

The calls of her companions fell on deaf ears as she flew through the hangar and smashed her closed fist down on the control panel, leaving it with no option but to comply. The door slid shut behind her and the elevator began the painfully slow, crawling journey to the level above.

The servicemen on duty saluted her mutely as she surged through the mess hall, heading straight for her cabin. The doors sealed her in with a comforting thud and she threw herself onto the bed.

She stared sideways at the wall without seeing it for several long moments. In the silence, she didn't feel anything at all, apart from the throbbing of her various injuries and the steady stream of blood flowing from her nose.

The door chimed and she resisted the impulse to biotically fling any nearby objects at it. There was silence for a few moments, then a loud, insistent knocking. She let her eyes half close in a cold glare at the wall, then sat up, wincing as her ribs stretched a little.

"Enter."

The door slid away to reveal the kind face of Doctor Chakwas standing there with a medical kit in her arms. "Liara told me I would find you here", she said. "Its no good skipping out on your post-mission medical, Shepard."

She rolled her shoulders and wiped the trickle of blood from her lip, smearing it across her cheek. "It…was a tough day", she ground out, looking away.

The doctor took that as an indication to approach, bringing up a menu on her omnitool. "Stand", she commanded, flying into her routine. She scanned Shepard from head to foot, tutting all the while, then started pulling out all kinds of things from the medical kit.

"So we've left… _Virmire_ ", Evangeline grunted a little as Chakwas felt her ribs with a stern frown adorning her face.

She leaned back, hand coming up to rub a thumb over her chin thoughtfully. "Yes, we're headed for the citadel", she said slowly. "Garrus marched into the CIC with a look of determination I've only seen on the most seasoned turian soldiers. He went straight to Joker and told him to head for the citadel. I've never seen him look so severe."

Eva paused, looking away for a moment. She opened her mouth and then closed it again and swallowed. Her voice threatened to tremble and she forced it down as her chest vibrated with pain. "It was…I've lost people before, but I never…I just…it can't…" she halted abruptly, shoulders shaking. Her breaths were coming in short jagged gasps now and she brought a hand to cover her mouth, pressing hard against her face in determination.

Chakwas placed a warm, gentle hand on her shoulder. "I know you were close, Shepard."

"You don't understand!" she all but screamed, shrinking backwards onto the bed like a cornered animal as the tears began to stream down her face. "He's dead because of me! Because I wanted him to survive so badly I just couldn't put what I wanted over the life of someone else! He died because I had to choose and I got involved with him and I can't—"

"He died because of Saren", Chakwas cut her off, stern but kind. "He died because Saren is a monster that has to be stopped at all costs. And he died to save the lives of Ashley and Captain Kirrahe's unit and you."

"B-but", she began, voice cracking under the strain of emotion.

"No, Eva", the doctor addressed her. "It was not your fault. None of us blame you for what happened. We know who to point our weapons at, and it isn't any member of this crew. Now…"

She paused, considering the injured and fairly broken commander for a moment. "I want you to strip out of that armour and shower as best you can. Then come see me in the med bay; you're in for a bit of treatment."

With that, she departed, leaving Evangeline alone in the dim silence. She sat there for several minutes, staring at nothing as tears dripped onto her breastplate. Then, finally, she stood and began to slowly shed her blood and grime smeared armour. She peeled away the undersuit, noting the mottled bruises across her ribs and let out a strangled sigh.

The shower was mercifully hot, shocking her aching muscles into submission as the water cascaded over her body and swirled on the floor around her feet. She let the pounding stream massage her back for a little while, then hastily washed and dried herself. In one of her drawers she found a clean uniform and quickly dressed, not bothering to dry her hair quite properly.

She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror as she brushed her teeth. Her face was pale, drawn and her eyes were rimmed with red from crying. She smiled at her awful reflection, miserable, and then headed for the med bay.

The next hour passed in a blur. Doctor Chakwas buzzed around her, lifting limbs and checking responses, writing things down. She hardly spoke at all, letting the good doctor's barrage of medical jargon wash over her in a comforting wave. And when the medical was finally completed, she pushed a cup into Eva's tired hand.

She looked numbly down at the cup, the contents of which was some sort of alcohol. "Um?"

"Serrice Ice Brandy", Chakwas said simply, sitting back in her swivel chair with a small smile. "That's probably the best treatment I can give you at the moment, in moderation of course. Joker tells me we'll be about four days out from the Citadel so that's the time we've got to get back on the horse…so to speak."

Evangeline lifted the small cup and took a sip. A chill spread from her mouth as it slid down her throat, followed by a warm sensation that burned through her gut up to her brain. She shook her head a little. There was no kick to it, but damn was it strong.

Chakwas chuckled knowingly as the door slid open. Into the room stepped Liara T'Soni, hands clasped uncertainly as she hovered in front of the doorway. Chakwas waved her over, offering to pour her a glass, which she declined politely.

"Commander", she said quietly, shuffling her feet a little. "I know you might not want to hear this right now, but…the crew wanted you to know that they're behind you no matter what happens now and…well…we understand that the galaxy isn't made up of 'black and white' – you had the strength that a lot of us don't have. Strength to make a decision on who lives and who dies when there was no choice that was right. And that's why you're in charge of this mission and why the council decided you should be a spectre. I know it doesn't count for much and it won't bring Lieutenant Alenko back, but—"

"We have your back, Shepard", Garrus appeared behind Liara, eyes burning with…pride? He strode forwards and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Wherever you go, we'll follow. Just say the word."

"Right", Wrex trudged into the med bay, looking as awkward as it was possible for a krogan to appear. He gave a heavy thump to his chest. "Saren's hide is ready to be tenderised by my shotgun, so lets not keep him waiting!"

Tali popped out from behind his hulking silhouette, waving a small arm at Evangeline. "We're all in this together", she bobbed her head slightly as she walked closer. "No matter what happens."

The team swarmed around her, all offering words of comfort, or close enough where Wrex was concerned, and for a few moments she felt alive again. She almost missed the Gunnery Chief edging uncertainly into the med bay.

Silence fell over the group and they spread apart to let Ash teeter a little closer. The minutes drew by in an eternity until she finally spoke.

"Hey skipper", she said quietly, pausing for a second to regard to bruised face of her commanding officer. "There's a lot I could say but none of it will change what happened, so I'll just say this: We made Saren bleed today. We proved he's not untouchable. That has to count for something and we wouldn't have come this far without you bringing us all together. But it's not over yet."

"Lets chase him down while he's licking his wounds and wipe the floor with his traitorous guts!" growled Garrus.

"Damn straight", Wrex bared his teeth in a feral grin.

Evangeline felt tears prick her eyes and she blinked them away, giving them all a small smile. "Thank's guys. I…thanks."

They talked for what seemed like an hour before, one by one, draining from the med bay until only Chakwas and Ashley remained.

"And Shepard", said the Gunnery Chief as she paused in the doorway. "I was ready to die down there today. I was prepared to lay down my life for you and everyone else. You got my ass out of the fire and reminded me that I've got a lot more to live for than what I thought…thanks."

She nodded solemnly and placed her empty cup down on one of the work benches, sinking back onto the hospital bed. Silence fell over the med bay and stretched on for several long minutes before Chakwas stood.

"Normally it's the duty of the chief medical officer of a ship to notify next of kin", she said evenly. "But given the circumstances, I thought you might like to write the letter yourself."

Evangeline swallowed hollowly and turned to look at the doctor's neutral expression.

"Thank's, doc", she said, reaching out to pat her on the arm. "For everything."

"Its no trouble, Commander", she replied. "None whatsoever...I'll forward my template to your mailbox. You don't have to use it if you don't want to, but it can be helpful if you need it. Now…" she handed over a sleeve of tablets. "I don't expect it to be easy, but I want you to get some rest. Doctor's orders."

"Yes Ma'am", she smirked a little at that. Good.

She slid off the hospital bed, gave a mock salute, and headed back to her quarters. There were still a couple of hours before sleep was necessary, so she eased into the chair at her desk and opened a blank document.

 _Dear Mr and Mrs Alenko_

 _It is with great sorrow that I am writing to inform you that your son, Kaidan Alenko, has been killed in action during a mission whilst serving aboard the SSV Normandy. While the mission details are classified, I can tell you that he died ensuring what would be considered a mission success and also saving the lives of Alliance personnel and its allies. In direct consequence of Kaidan's sacrifice, the lives of Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams, Captain Kirrahe of the Salarian Special Tasks Group and his team were spared._

 _As his commanding officer, I take full responsibility for his death. It was my decision to choose the lives of many over the life of one, a decision that weighs heavily on me. Kaidan's sacrifice will be honoured in the continuation of our mission by a crew that celebrates the lives and contributions of every member._

 _In the time that I knew him, I have personally grown very close to Kaidan. He was an exemplary soldier and a good man and I am honoured to have known and served with him. He rose to the challenges of our ongoing mission with a dedication that inspired many and his loyalty to the crew and the Alliance was unquestionable._

 _Nothing I can say or do can bring him back or undo the events that transpired today and for that I am truly sorry. Please understand that the choices of command are painted rarely in black and white, but instead in shades of grey and that sometimes lives are lost as a result._

 _My deepest condolences,_

 _Commander Evangeline Shepard_


End file.
